Saturday, June 12, 2010

Rude People: Part 1

Rude people… Really?

I can't stand rude people. I know I'm a bit of a PW, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the people that cut you off in traffic, the people that are excessively loud at all the inappropriate times, the people that are just begging the world to punch them in the face. Almost everyone who reads this will know exactly what I'm talking about; and if you can't track with me than I'm confident that everything I'm saying is about you.

When I'm driving in traffic, and I'm waiting in line for the exit with EVERYONE ELSE for 10 minutes, please do not cut me off at the last minute. This may cause me to flip you off and begin hoping for your imminent demise. Why is cutting in line acceptable while you’re in traffic? It’s not ok at any other time. If you were waiting in the ever-present, and always unacceptably long line, at Walmart and someone decided to walk around and past everyone and cut in right at the register, all hell would break loose. I’m pretty sure there would be glass bottles and metal chairs breaking over some backs if this happened. But because you’re in your car and no one can see your face you feel confident enough to flash your rude and do what you want.

Just this morning, someone rode up on the shoulder and burned up all the gas in their tank so that they could get around me at a point where our lanes merged so that they could move up a whole car’s length in traffic and save a potential 2.3 seconds on their drive. I’m sorry, am I in your way? I apologize for forgetting that you are the most important person in the world. You clearly have somewhere much more important to be than I do and are of much more value to the world then every other person on the road. As soon as this happened I began praying that this “king” would get into a fiery crash immediately after finding out that his entire family was murdered and everyone that he loved now hated him. Think that’s harsh? Don’t cut me off in traffic I won’t pray for your ultimate destruction.

No matter how awesome you think you are, no matter how much your love your “snuggle bear,” no matter how important your dentist appointment is, no one else in the world wants to hear about it. Keep your phone calls to yourself. You’re on a phone; it’s made to pick up your voice. You don’t have to yell, I promise the person on the other end of the line, who is unfortunate enough to have to talk to you, can hear you. I don’t need to hear about your poor drunken decision from last night, your astoundingly annoying boyfriend/baby voice, or about your visit to the gyno last week. Keep it to yourself. Oh, and turn the damn volume of your ringer down, nobody else cares that you’re getting a text.

.... Part 2 to follow at some other point in the future.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Fat People

I hate fat people. Especially condescening fat people.

And I know, who am I to talk? I'm a little hefty. But A) I'm going to the gym regularly to try to get/keep in shape. and B) I'm not nearly as big as the people I'm talking about here.

ok, yes, I know it's a health issue, and I DO hope that everyone can get healthier. And if you're honestly trying to lose the weight/diet/go to the gym and generally making an ACTUAL effort to lose the weight, then right on! More power to you!

But how dare you, 350-pound lady that sits next to me at work, sit there and lecture me about what's healthy or not just because you shopped at Whole Foods yesterday. It doesn't matter what you eat if you're eating 40 pounds of it a day. If I am eating a poptart (so delicious) at my desk because I'm hungover, that is not an invitation for you to tell me how many calories I am eating while you pour a box of sugar free lard-balls into your mouth. So please, tell me about how much healthier you are then me and how horrible everything is that I'm eating while you search for a bigger shovel to help you get food into your face faster.

And trust me, no matter how self-conscious you are about how you look... You look worse than than you think. And just because you're comfortable with your weight and how you look, that does not mean that I'm comfortable with it. No, you don't look good with your muffin top spilling onto my shoes. No, I don't want to see pictures of you from the beach. Yes, your butt looks big, but don't blame it on your pants. Yes, you're making me sick. Please, ask me more opinion questions; they're my favorite.

I'll put more up later, I'm getting all worked up.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Female Truths

Everything in this post is indisputable fact. Do not leave comments disagreeing with or complaining any of the statements made, because they'll be ignored. Please, however, feel free to comment with additions or alterations on the post.

I just needed to finally get all of these rules on paper, more will be added as they are observed/remembered.

This is a collection of everything I know about women.

1. Every woman hates every other woman in the world. Whether they show it or know it or not, they all do.

2. All women are crazy. Not only this, but all females think that they're the only sane girl on the planet.

3. Women don't dress to impress men, they dress to impress other women. If this fact was not true... then no girl would ever tuck their pants into their UGG boots.

4. Women can not use logic. And they don't handle it well when confronted with it.

5. Compliments from girls > Compliments from random guys > Compliments from the boyfriend. Ranked in decreasing order of how much a compliment means from different groups of people.

6. It's impossible to know what makes a woman happy. Because as soon as you figure it out, she'll change her mind; just to keep you guessing.

7. Girls are never actually happy for another girl. They only get jealous.

8. Only 1 to 2 girls in the world look good with short hair. Trust me, it isn't you.

9. At least once in their life, every girl will choose the asshole over the nice guy. And it pisses us off.

10. Girls are incapable of telling which guys are douchebags/tools... TOTALLY unaware!

11. Girls don't actually like to talk their friend/boyfriend when they're upset with them. They just like having an excuse to get the last word and slam the door/storm off/make an exit.

12. Girls love to compare completely different scenarios as if they're exactly the same situation. How I acted in my last relationship has NOTHING to do with what decisions I'm going to make in this relationship!

13. Girls LOVE to be mad at their boyfriends. If everything is going well... she's about to be upset at you (and you know she's not going to tell you why).